i cant sleep

i try to be strong.... but i cant
tga mkn nanges...tga mandi nanges...nak sleep pun nanges....
tak bleh nak salahkn sapa2...aku buat dri sdri...

ak bgtau feirus...si bean tak reply...n tanak cakap ngn aku...tataw knp...then...si feirus plk...tak bls ws ak...
ak dah terus trg kut kat dia...ak mmg nak kat si bean...bean yg tanak ak...

takpela...kalau mcm ni...feirus tak perlu cntct ak smpi bila2...ak mls dan penat...dgn kerenah2 jantan...yg baik masa perlu je.

bean pun...tak payah dah lah...buang ms jumpa dan text ak...semata sbb serabut dgn kehadiran ak.

aku tak perlukan kesedihan ni.

story of my heart

view from my room...like my gloomy heart...dumped...many times...not sure how long it can stand

sedih

Dari semalam aku tunggu dia...
lepas sekian lama aku pujuk...
ak betul2 tak tahu apa cerita dan kenapa...takkan la sebab dia sampai kat rumah dan aku tak da..sampai macam tu sekali...

aku demam..aku tak tahu la...tadi balik dari lrt...si feirus tolong ambil ak...sbb hjn...n bwk ak tukar celcom... ak cpt2 nak balik...tggu bean...tapi ni yang ak dpt...sedih...tp dah ta tau kuar air mata...ak nak hibernate...layan demam...org kalau tak suka..mmg disampah2kn...

Tak Paham

Aku kuar gi cod...tibe2 si bean tanya, aku still sleep ke?
ak ckp ta... ak kuar cod.
then ak tanya la..dah otw ke?
then dia ckp ta...
ak pon setel hal aku...nak gi celcom la...ingat sempat...pasal nak tukar pd postpaid...pnt asyik topup je...dah lebih amik bulanan dah...so baik tkr je..
then smpai umah housemate ckp bean dtg...im so frustrated... i call bean, then dia ckp dia dah balik...tak paham...sumpah ta phm...bgtau jela...ak suh housemate ak bkk kn pintu...bilik bkn kunci pon...apsal???? seyes...takle nak hadam..Pastu kol2 tanak cakap ngn org. -_-

end of december

its end of december
Bean dah benti kerja, dia janji nk jumpa aku
lepas balik lombok
end up... dia cakap jumpa after 2 weeks
urmnn...i dont know what he is doing...
I just wish he brings me good  news.
which he got new job here,
nearer..
n wont leave me..
i wish...

abt the break up
yes we still...break...
aku pun ta paham apa nak jadi dgn life kita
we pretend that we are there for each other
we will be there untill one of us, belongs to other

things is... i love him..
n i knew he does love me too.

why we must complicated things?
but being there, i myself is complicated

btw i banyak menyepi lately,
coz i meniaga..
dengan abg feirus...
he said he want me, and wanna marry me
i just told him im waiting for bean.

actualy...
i just wanna be better
i wanna be indipendent
and having all i want

and i move towards it
i left ayman, my happy partner
actually i never thought, it will give him
huge impact
Yela, when we was together...as happy partner
he clearly declaring, we are just happy partner..
for example.. bila kitorang chilling together minum, story..
this is was..ok
he often said
 "when u want to marry, make sure he is capable to hold on to"
 "when u want to marry, make sure u have everything and never let go of it, coz u standalone girl"
 "when u want to marry, make sure ur husband is open to overcome ur sassiness, n dont forget to invite me"
all those, clearly give me a message...tht we are not more than a partner.

so, i decided to leave him, coz he never contact me, unless he have to come and work here, then only he'll inform me
i cant reach him during weekends, as his phone is off
so, i left..
but the moment i left... he was so down... tht i dindt expect
hes drunk like nobody business
he called2 and text me non stop
im confused

but im sorry, its my own decision...i dont wanna stay like tht
im not suit in ur kind of life.
im ambitious, n i will step to that

and my trophy is bean...i love him
i wanna be better coz him...together or not